tipsy night

the two am hour and we're tipsy
and our front gate click
is a puzzle
it's getting late and tomorrow
is linking us to a corner
nook
when we were younger
and the night devoured our passion
but now youth has vanished
and the moon is smiling
orange
as it memorizes us
a scratched 45 vinyl record
stuck between grooves and
being bounced like the
sprout of salad leaves in summer rain
the arm of the needle has
five more memories to go
before it drags us to rest

teach me to dance

will you teach me i said
how to dance
how to hold you close enough
to span the moon

let me hear the thunder in your veins
that's addicted to music
let me move with the swirl
the pattern of your feet
like magic never touching the floor
teach me i said ,  teach me once more 

how do i lean into the heat and see
euphoria at its best shining like silver
in your eyes

teach me the lifts and the safety 
of a fall
imprinting the day with the melody of
our laughter

take me to a red ball
where sweat
is beauty formed into a dance
let me be your mirror
i don't want to be just a face
i want a chance

teach me church without form of
books or oaths
show me the depth of the woman i am
in love
show me how to touch you sacredly
like the love that formed you

let me be close enough to see
the boy with dreaming eyes
sees only me
lips are poems
yours are mine

souvenir

i kept the paper plane you made
when you visited twenty years ago
i kept the picture of you in your old hat
in the meadow
i memorized the song you wrote 
and the way you sang the words
the boy you were with your 
summer girl
with ease you walked, your happy laugh
the late night never ending talks
morning continued the day and you
were never tired
scarlet skies, southern winds that
perfumed our memories
i keep you in the deepest, safest part
in the heart of me

no one knows where to find that key

who we are

its cold but don't let it touch you
just let the rain wash away your blue
its no ones fault we made it this far
i thought we were too weak for love
i was wrong 

the night sky is never lonely
so come lay here beside me
this is all we've got

you worry cause love scares you
but you've got a little bit of faith
i'd give you the moon boy
if i had a ladder
then i'd reach the part of you
that can't touch the heart of me
before its too late

the night sky is never lonely
come lay here beside me
this is all we've got
this is who we are

speechless

sunlight
through a dirty window
somehow that light
never feels the same

and the wind blows
disturbing silence
as I wait for your voice
to call my name

cardboard boxes
well they hold everything
except regret

all those bright rooms
full of pretending people
everyone but you
to me they're empty

and the shadows come to
play hide and seek
and even they can't find me
I know tomorrow is a
dark horse

I'm glued in speechless
inevitability 

snow break

the world disappeared in white settled silence
he sat so close yet so distant
his thought had already moved on
the voice i had fallen for had fallen out of its awe of me
time had no meaning , it did not move
neither did i
the snowflakes were louder than our breath
silver wonderland, a world for lovers to create
snow angels, misty laughter, and snow mingled 
kisses
breath of wonder but my breath with held
i would not make it easy for you to break the heart
of me
my love believed in you before you did
now words of ice formed
emotional knives
severing the dreams of us
the snow will bury alive

stories of glass

is forgiveness hidden in your pocket
where do you hide the light of day
how do you see through me

what is it that you cheat
why are you always
running away

my lonely won't rub off
on you
i'll beat this silence
you won't hear a word

and the days will pass us
my skin will forget
my soul will not

you were the most sacred
thing i ever knew

the stars will fall
our picture too
the smiles we smiled
together
will burn

midnight won't cultivate
our whispers
the bed will remember
our story

and time will pass
we will too
we are stories of glass

Brighter

brought you wildflowers
for your thirst
moths to eat you thoughts
that cursed
drowning girl in the middle
of a drought
the dirt feels good on your skin

what's it all for you say
dreams eating up your days
night screams for things
your past embraced 
written words on the wall
paint can't erase

chance meetings - skinny skin
magic and moonlight the
smile of an old friend
transparent color of forgotten sin
remember every finger pointed at you
will eventually point back at them

you burn brighter in the rain
you've became friends
 

sugar lies

when the feeling was a lie
the past a poem i had to write
the dream was burying
i couldn't let it die
 
when the walls were made of air
i didn't know you didn't care
fear built her throne,  darkness her stairs 

footsteps forward on crumbled glass
sky upturned on this broken mess
confusion partied in my mind
paralyzed i believed every line

when breath was anything but life
hell was on earth destroying 
us from inside
spoon fed trivialty , boxed up sorrow
drowning dreams
no more, no more
honesty screamed

when your feelings was a lie
seated pretty, eating your time
pain woke you up, light spit truth
into your mind
 
don't read that script
don't believe what you see
its not reality

when the passion was a lie
addicted to the heat you
fell asleep to an imagined
lovers lullaby

restless

we're just a little lost - we are
no lullaby
baby its just rain
they cancelled out the sun
sold our stars now we're 
counting quarters from strangers
hoping for something deeper
something better

too many battles
and chemicals in our water
euphoric from our dancing
forgetting what comes after

we'll survive the rumors cause
we know our friends
we can take the night train
to somewhere we have never been

youth will kiss us and claim us
jealousy will cut us, rename us
we're too busy but the sky loves us
they'll call us crazy, we're just restless

November Sunshine

rain falls down
a sad goodbye sound
i'm lying on your bed 
in the quiet now

in thread of silence,  goodbye unsaid
black and white the past
heavy in my head

little brother spins his top
in raindrops by the door
sister counts her days of grief
with marbles in a jar
rocking chair blue
mama's in another world

and it's raining on the preacher man
he's down on the floor praying
dripping on his face the sky falls down
but there's no grace in this place
and his faith won't drown
he thinks i'm worth saving
beneath a sky that just caved in
god is it ever gonna stop raining

no november sunshine, no butterfly high
just broken dreams, broken door, broken sky
butterfly don't you wanna fly
butterfly don't you wanna fly

now snow's stealing in my window like a thief
when all i wanna do is sleep away my grief
in your snow covered bed three blankets deep
but if i close just close my eyes
i can still hear mama cry

butterfly don't you wanna fly
butterfly don't you wanna fly


For some reason I can't explain I had to come back to clarify this poem. Have you ever been in a place of pain or grief that you felt you couldn't stay and you couldn't leave. This poem addresses how I felt when my father died. I was three months from being seven and left with a gap in my heart and my life that no one else would ever fill. This poem is  not about getting high or drugs but being in a place where nothing can reach you especially as a child and you don't have the words. 
On November 23rd will the the anniversary of his leaving. Tomorrow November 21st will be the anniversary of my mothers passing. I will always be fourteen when I think of her. I can tell you I still miss the place they would have held in my life. Just one conversation as a grownup or a simple cup of coffee I will never get to experience. If you still have parents you are so lucky.
Thank you for reading, maybe this poem will make a little more sense, peace and blessing to all - Vanessa

thunderbird heart

her heart could hear the rush, the roar
it was more than a car
backseat lovers, coveting stars
he made her tremble, made her sigh
but she could never deny his
thunderbird heart

dirt roads and dreams
silence drips
silver moonlight in every 
champagned cup they sipped
 
wild and reckless
he was precious
sang her soul's alleluia 
his touch a vice around her neck
left her hungry for more than
she would ever get

she was his dark, beautiful
temptation ,  sweet still on the vine
he was heart throbbing dangerous
her nineteenth summer wine

now just a picture show
a sip of time, fading gray
a vintage reel of yesterday
but the bough of ever after
always breaks
still he leaves her breathless
bold and restless

left her Plath and took his Trane
no more love songs about the rain
she still dreams of the rush and the roar

it was more than a car

dysfunctional me

i say the right thing at the right time
say what he wants to hear
i'm of service i'm of use
whenever he is near

make some sunshine for me

you're a beautiful daydream
but my time is not my own
i'm daddy's little princess
safely tucked away at home 

so come ease my bleeding fear
and forgive these childlike tears
we'll whisper words of love that's 
forbidden here

to disagree is a sin
no one to beak my fall
i answer when he calls my name
he don't know me at all
i am his illusion, that's all i'll ever be
he could never love or understand
what he can never see

save some sunshine for me

so tell me what to wear
and how to wear my hair
then tell me to get lost
how no one really cares
tell me i'm a dreamer
and that's all i'll ever be
no one can love or understand
dysfunctional me

maybe i'm a dreamer
and that's all i'll ever be
i pray God can love and understand
dysfunctional me

before

caught in a glimmer
of gossamer
just a fragile
butterfly wing...

before the wind on my face
that tangles my hair
before dark summers and
November dared
to still the quiet bell of
a mourning night 
before i was restless
and unproven

before the only place i
could come to you became
a grave
before winter settled in
and never left
before the night crawled
into my veins
and sleep was fragilistic
nocturnal visits whispered
at my forlorn windowpane

before my soul was swept away
before the rain became a crave
before the carving of your name
before the caving of my faith
when sweet water was sweeter

freedom was weightless
and i carried your pain
in my own bones

before i knew houses
weren't home

10-26-2014 
 
 

naked nights

i ordered moonlight
it glanced across your cheek
and mirrored my reflection
in the steel of your eyes

you'll throw down my bones tonight
elegantly
and i will let you
you'll remove my dancing shoes
in a room that smells like
winter

our silhouettes will 
marry the windowpane
and entertain our neighbors 
they've nothing planned anyway

we'll dress our dreams
in clouds of smoke
and watch as they disappear
like ghosts

they will read us like fine
scripts forgotten
brilliant in silence
conversations fluid in inky rapport

as we shake the night loose
from star drift
regret is something 
we won't know

my oblivion

fire caught the words in my throat and i rested in your arms my angel man
we drifted in suspense,  our hearts clapped together a melody of thunder
cocooned in comforters and kisses of wonder blissfully, words unnecessary
in our own heaven , i was lost in the scent, the feel of you,  my eden
happy oblivion 
contour of us on moonlit walls, we were etching our own story 
summer air wafted in drunk off heat of the night...

i may have made you up and you're just a figment of my imagination but i linger in the hopes i didn't
you may be a memory or an inkling of another life or what could have been, maybe just a fragment of future reality
i may have written you improperly, just rainy day prose painting you in my mind in charismatic kaleidoscope's 
i don't know
but i think i heard your naked thought and wanted you more
we heard violins and danced to the cry of them
i do not wish to lose myself in you
but find the heart of us that make us one
i only wish to wake and find you are real my love...

hurry home

bankrupt

we were just a drive in March rain before spring arrived on blue ridge parkway where beauty is still God's creation and you get a glimpse of perfection in perfect form. a little piece of heaven rubs off on you and you're not the same afterward cause you will compare everywhere to here.
fog covered the night and obliterated what was left of the mess of my mind. the rest of the noisy world slipped away and this wet , white blanket was a magical cosmos until it froze and became black ice.  too slippery...turn back now
our wonderful world of mystery became dangerous and your car slipped in circles and we knew we had to walk out of that wonder on our own. 
first we were lovers,  then we became celibate lovers and best friends at the same time. you'd think i'd get a clue and cut you loose but no , not at that time. this night was a metaphor  for our future and i was too young to know, caught up in dreams that must be completed my way.  circumstances be damned i was going to prove i could do this love, we were going to do this love. 
looking back now it wasn't love, it was simply a deep friendship. what could have been had already slipped away. i didn't matter to you and you guiltily agreed without words and guilt for past sins held hostage my freedom.
you held the un- relinquished key. i was going to pay with weighted heart, soul, and regret as deep as the marrow in my bones.
there would be no other way.  i was snowblind and there wasn't any snow.  dead end ahead, but i didn't know.
as icicles formed in my long hair,  i was where i wanted to be.but  love had already vacated,  in its place tolerance and suffocation had already moved in there . my youth had a mind of its own and i was unaware . a life without borders seems to have no direction and spills dangerously into everywhere. when i woke up it was to the penance of my own self created nightmare. 
going nowhere,  growing older.
wrong turns, parkway drives at midnight and i believed i was alive but i was already dying inside . but i couldn't admit it. i would choke on my pride. the most important thing my life was taken on that ride. no not physically , but emotionally, spiritually. i signed my soul away on that night just to prove i was right.
i was so right at being wrong.
the icicles melted but not the consequence of that rainy night drive.
i'm still waiting on someone to tell me i've arrived home,  that i was dreaming , i'm not alone.
but i've never arrived home or at being complete
getting lost in my imagination i never became who i envisioned to be .
mistake of a lifetime extracting too much
now emotionally bankrupt.

October Girl

you'll find her on the last back street in a town named Despair
on her tear stained floor,  lying in her prayer
October's gonna be a long month she says
and I don't know how I'm gonna make it through
the one that once loved me most don't care anymore
so I'm depending on you
I'm steeped in lonely music and my veins are chased with caffeine and rum

you're gonna find her a beauty and she'll always be
she's exposed sensitivity and lost inside a carnival of muted safety
her dreams strip and waltz through in broad open daylight
proud in their nudity
leaves her wishing for the strum of life
she's like summer thunder on a winter day

you'll find her dangling from her yesterday that she can't separate
doubt casts dark shadows on tomorrow
she loved
and was loved dangerously

she once decorated the arm of a man who only made her into a mirage
you'll find her borderline fantastically crazy
her brilliance is amazing
she knows she's forgotten,  just don't know how to forget
all is forgiven but she hasn't been yet

you'll find her at an alter, her tears on fire
heart flat lining but no one cares
she says yes when she means no
stays too long when its time to go
doesn't complain raise hell or Cain
puts up with desperation and only God knows

and they say let it go, just let it go
well who the hell are they and what do they know

you're gonna find her on that last back street
named despair
swallowing down another prayer
October girl , she's everywhere,  going nowhere

in and out of place

she peers into her mirror,  a new wrinkle appeared overnight it seems. she doesn't feel her age and she still walks with a graceful gait.
humming songs that cling to her memory like flashes of satin.
she goes to good will because there she can slip backward and they still play all the oldies reminding her of parking lot lovers and riots with the younger crowd under bridges where they divided their criminal candy.
floral,  that's her. strawberry lips and beehive hair and sandals that show crushed delight in full color on her toes.
she's perfectly in place being out of place. not afraid of the sunlight,  being pale was never her thing.
she tells herself she's still young and wears old cardigans to stay warm. she builds campfires beneath night skies so he can't see her new wisdom lines.
whiskey and gin,  and lots of it.

broken paths

my prayer has broken knees
i can see the catholic cross reaching heavenward from the bedroom window
shiny metal reflecting silver spirituality into the Carolina blue sky

i am trying to make sense of my life

so i walk in forests to remember the last walk i took with my father and the smell of autumn that surrounded him
i plant flowers just like my mother
i listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd to feel close to my brother

i absorb loneliness, its a quiet tomb

i question everything
sometimes i feel ignorant
i want to feel the pulse of life with wonder and i know its amazing i even got to be here

i am not ready for that tunnel...
i strive to understand the shadow,  to walk in the gray that seems so shallow and to know imperfection as a teacher
i want to accept the broken paths that pain built

i know nothing can change what has transpired
life won't allow me to hide
but if i let light breathe
and darkness sleep 
i may find it was all worthy as my soul struggles with these personal wars at these ungodly hours

i have no doubt it will win
 

ceremony

you exist
so I breathe
and in my dreams
you breathe beside me

this thing new born between us
never ours before
they call it love
we call it something more

your love is a ceremony
and like rain on a summer night
you are like music inside me

the levy of every breath
and creak of the floor
forlorn halo is all you wear
I'm a little disconnected
a little uncorrected
but I'm still wanted here

and when you touch me I'm alive
in ways I thought I'd already died
you calm my restless feet
heal my unease
cause our love is a ceremony
and you exist so I breathe

skin

my skin burns
stretched too
thin skin
scramble of memory
begs
come back
visit
yesterday once again
small earthquakes 
ignored
warnings cast aside
erupt
and greet me now
in the skin I grew to be
without you...

rebellion formed

Time

Pendulums licking time
and orchestrates stampedes on
velvet floors of red masquerades
The youthful melt the morning of a
symbiotic,  speechless eclipse that
singes and ties the steady skeleton
that's hidden 
Remembering becomes chipped
as spoons twirl the liquid
cup of lies

Perch

she was a perch
of swallowed moonlight
gentle burn of pale
against illusion
rewind of never was
startled truth
no longer desired
meanwhile...

he cut out valentines
to fill his pockets
made of love that 
remain untold

Glimpse

Her cold fingers caressed his face firmly yet gently as she held ice on his bloody nose
Crossing the floor as if it were made of glass or perhaps polished egg shells she glanced up catching a glimpse of herself in broken fragments of the mirror on their bedroom wall
She looked around like a stranger
How did I get here and who is this I have become
Wiping her hands on her torn jeans she realized that the dirty door knobs would be the very ones she would open to set herself free
Outside the October wind blew through fields of sunflowers
 

sad boy journal

mama did you find all the sin in my room
dirty mishaps untouched by your broom 
mama did you read what i wrote from my veins
were you shocked or saddened
do you feel my pain

mama you don't know me anymore
i'm a young man
no longer your little boy
can't buy my happiness
with a toy

and i've colored outside the lines
blurred and reset some tiny white lies
and i was happy for a time
i was yours and you were mine

mama did you find my broken truth
all these pretty colors inspired
by melodramatic you
did you clean my handprint from the wall
replace the light that just don't work there in the hall

mama did you read my poetry
all the words i've never dared to speak
left over scars that you can't see
beautiful mama do you still believe in me

cause i laughed at midnight
and i drank my fear
and i've never shed an unearned tear
i never planned to drop your hand 
you've been my saving grace and
no one will ever take your place

mama you've been so patient with me
love me unconditionally
you've never seen what others choose to see
mama do you still love me
cause i've been a little angry

and if you read these words its ok
we'll pretend you didn't anyway

i finally opened up my veins and let them speak...
 

Catch

fingers intertwined with
fascination
shaking, sinking, no stopping
this kind of thinking

labeled and discarded
imported
like the shadow you know
you see at 2 am

there is no more home
can't rewind that winter scene
that took you away

your lover never knew you
kissed your flesh
tasted you so thoroughly 
you were only
kindling
paper fire

just sweat on his back
in winter
sweltering thick,  dark air
faceless in a mirror

settled for crumbs
of a summer rogue
passing caution points
you let yourself go

you were his crimson crime
on salty sheets
he said you were his everything
what more would he have you 
believe

you wanted him
an imprint of 
the perfect catch

thing is now - there is
only a catch in your breath

 

the drill

pain fields and blistered heels
sunburned souls
dangerous love that never feels

promise that you'll never tell
staring at stars
walking through hell
born to sing the broken songs
born with a soul,  a broken one

southern nights and the dry crusty cry
of cicadas screaming
and you lie awake and wonder
what the boy next door is dreaming
or who

cremating old love letters
clenching past glory not getting
past the old mistakes
breaking to give,  moving past now
future waits

childhood hope is a drill
and her bit is bent and shrill
leaving one hanging on the blade 
of what won't and who will

whippoorwill sings and moonlight stands still
and the sensitive soul can only feel
yet I am stronger than any weakness you
imagine in me

THE STORY OF GLORY TO THE BOYS

This is a new kind of posting for me but one that I felt led to do with my heart.  Dave Allen asked me to do a post and help him get the word out what he is trying to do and I tried to keep it as original as possible.  If you never read anything else I write my hope is that you'll read and share this in whatever way you feel led to do so.  Usually I write creative material so this is a little off the beaten path for me.  It is not my story but that of Dave Allen, as told to me.

GTTB= glory to the boys
WWRY= we will remember you 

Dave's story begins when James, his son a commando from the UK was sent to Afghanistan to help repel the Taliban.  Inspired by his son's journey he took a rock song he had originally written called Glory To The Boys, and changed the lyrics based on his son's travels.  GTTB is to bring awareness of armed forces around the world.  The song was produced and recorded at great expense from their own pockets to bring awareness to their heroism.  

In late 2010 Dave met the band Dementia when he was searching for a powerful voice for the song GTTB.  The name of their band came about because two of the band members grandparents' suffered from dementia.  The band in turn asked him to manage them.  They then recorded and produced the song GTTB, doing the video themselves with action pictures.  They filmed a scene in the video located at a WWll belly bomber hanger where the gunners trained.

They toured the UK doing gigs and many military bases for the armed forces.  They did these free, expenses were from their own pockets.  Joe Whelan was lead singer and guitarist as well as producer on GTTB.  Dave and the band had a tour for the U.S organized to play for their military but the band split up with internal arguments.  Joe is now quite famous in his own right and he and Dave are still creatively involved.  

(Due to agents & management Dave does not want to overextend Joe's usefulness)

But as the war raged on James lost a lot of his comrades, one of whom was his best friend and family friend Jonathan.  They had joined the military together at age 18.


At age 25, Jonathan Crookes was on patrol with a group of U.S. Marines when a sniper shot down a soldier under heavy fire.  Jonathan ran to get a stretcher and when he returned another comrade went down.  As he was running for medical help he was blown to bits by an IED... Dave's son James lost more mates out there, including Anthony Hotine who was only 19.  

When Dave attended Jonathan's military funeral he met Jonathan's mother, he was the only family she had.

Dave informed me that some not only lost a well loved family member, they also lost an income they grew to depend on.  They are left without any compensation what so ever and are forced into dire financial circumstances, without anyone to come to their aid.  Those left without, doing the best they can while they carry on, are the ones Dave plans on helping. We can all spread the word and be part of something good.  And this is.

All of these sacrifices resulted in Dave's next song/video We Will Remember You.  All the emotions of previous conflicts and sacrifices came to mind while writing it.

WWRY, Dave wrote and wanted a choir to do it but he needed the music written down.  He contacted a friend, Glenis Dawes who wrote it for him.  He then approached Lichfield Cathedral which is magnificent and one of the oldest in the world.  And Ben Lamb the choir master and music co-ordinator and arranger did it for them free of charge.

Dave then paid to have the video WWRY filmed and created special edition cd's and decided it should represent all fallen heroes past and present. 

Dave plans to take all the monies he hopefully makes from the cd's to go directly to people in need, like Jonathan's mother and all those around the world who have suffered such a loss facing financial difficulties.

In Dave's own words:
"What I'm trying to get across is that the profit from our songs/videos would go to people like this wherever they are.  I would love to knock on their door, hand them a lump sum of money.  This is what we are all about".

As I said this story is Dave Allen's and I hope I have done it justice.  Please leave comments and let Dave and me know what you think, if you would like more of his story maybe I will do some periodic updates but I'll leave that up to Dave.

New note of interest:
A bit about the military history of the Allen family.
Dave's family history dates all the way back to the Waterloo. His grandfather fought on the Somme in WW1.
Dave's father was a hero at Dunkirk in WW2 and the Burma campaign.
Dave's son James was a commando in Afghanistan and now is PTI in commando's and is currently involved with anti- terrorism.
The service of the Allen family is and has been commendable throughout the generations almost as if selflessly serving for and alongside others is in their blood.
Even if gratitude is all we have to offer in return at least that's a start. We can start by simply saying thank you to the Allen family and those similar who seem to give of themselves so tirelessly.

You can follow Dave at @glorytotheboys on twitter, he's one of the nicest people I've met there. 

Thanks all for your time, and thank you Dave Allen for trusting me, that means so much-

Vanessa

Girl Like Me

tell me one more time 
why I can't be your girl

that I'm just what all the boys 
will call a whore

then come make me 
who you want me to be

if you can never love 
a girl like me

well could you ever want me 
maybe one day

tell me now all I have to change

if I close my legs, wash my trashy face

wash all my dirtiness away

would I still be your perfect mistake

I imagine I'm in love 
as I roll around in sin

but I can't be the one for you 
cause I like to pretend

it seems I crave you more and more

I'm hungry for your touch

but I can't take what you won't give
if I'm not good enough

my clothes are too tight
I show too much skin

a girl like me could never make
a boy like you commit

you say it would be a sin
if you fell in love with me

you can't pretend I'm someone
you'll love eventually

so love come make me 
who you want me to be

and soon you'll learn to love 
a girl like me


lyrics to a song I wrote

Imaginary love

Imaginary lovers call and  I am addicted to the sin that they suggest
I am alone yet surrounded by sweetness
yearnings arrive and unveil a deeper darker side of me
Slicing away another piece of my soul
Youth has spent me, I walk slow
Even in July I am cold

Imaginary kisses
I listen for non existent voices
Then sleep dreamless
Now the pause
In between reality and imagination
I don't know my own name

July 8 2014
 

The Dreaming Girl

slices of  my life written in red, purple, multicolored ink
my thought life, inked dreams mingled with reality and impossibilities 
the metal cuts and glides bound perfectly, tidy
the broken, bleeding passion blurred by the leaking face
its mine, all mine
pages of hope of desperation, the loss, the prayers, the road in paper carrying my load
the whisper of my pen captures the ache in my soul
the winter wail, the soiled veil but parchment lies
destructive eyes
all the gone, the words that string together
describe but never arrive
home
postage overdue 
deprived in courageous well thought out lines
of everything
these lines can't hold you and neither can I 
indestructible , still here
I am the dreaming girl
within, breathing living and dreaming in
the pages of me
and when I think I can't I realize I can

For all the girls with dreams all those journals we fill up that hold us in ways we never tell another soul. From 10 to 101 keep those dreams alive and sometimes they'll keep us breathing.

pretty dresses

spending wages on illegal highs but the pain comes back, we never fly
but wear pretty dresses
one more bottle
living our lies
drunk with impossibility
pick pockets of dark nights for sleep
20 steps from the heaven we want to reach

waste time comparing ourselves
don't look in that mirror while passing
judgement
on someone else
false laughter, plastic faces, hollow tears
can't wake up but we're not asleep either
pretty dresses in rainy weather
pretty dresses make us feel better

lovely pink rooms for vicious gossip
who's not good enough
who never got it
forget factor of circumstance, manufactured
romance
high class , low self esteem
forget passion or diversity 
go change your holey jeans you'll fit perfect in these pretty dresses 
after all who needs self respect 
with all our pretty messes

no thank you my holey jeans feel perfect for me

June 22 2014


 

tough skin

you will be young but at the same time you may not realize the concept of years
you will get hot, tired and hungry and will cry unshed tears
embracing the night at last you can close your eyes
you will believe in something no one else can conceive 
they will try to shut you up, shut you down but you'll keep that small piece of heaven for yourself
you must keep the thing you believe
you will get left behind, lonely from loss, losing those that keep you here and you'll find it hard letting others in
this is how you build a tough skin
you'll lose the ones that loved you into being, see flights of angels and shooting stars and you'll know fear that bleeds
you'll begin again many times , accept hand me downs and eat leftovers gratefully
get abandoned by family and lovers and yet still find that spark of life that motivates you to breathe five more minutes, you won't quit cause you'll find your strength in a quietness no one can take away and you'll scream in rooms with only trees outside your witness
you'll get betrayed by love and his kiss
meanwhile...
you'll borrow names, exchange rings, hell you'll change everything and in your darkest moments you'll just breathe, take it all in
this is how you build a tough skin...

Dear old lover

Dear old lover
I don't remember your kiss anymore and that would be my first lie
I don't look for car lights on my wall or listen for your footfall
I don't wear your old t-shirt or walk alone where we used to walk for hours
I don't listen to the music you loved
I don't think of you, I don't cry
Oh but these too are lies
I don't keep hidden pictures of you and I didn't memorize the skies I saw in your eyes
I don't remember the draw of your laughter or the way I knew you had entered a crowded room
I don't remember the voice I loved that cradled my name, no one ever says it that way
I don't remember the handhold , the strength or perfection of your hand in mine
I don't remember listening to the radio until dawn had bathed the sky in transparent pink and the fireplace blaze had died
I don't remember I never had felt so alive
I don't remember feeling young with you, careless, reckless, risking ever loving thing
I don't remember walking and loving in the rain or the motorcycle rides in winter snow
I don't remember holding you like life
I don't remember nights perfumed by southern winds
I don't remember you were the only place I ever wanted to be
I don't remember sunshine in our eyes we could see perfectly
I don't remember I never loved that way again
and the last lie
I don't remember you gave up on me
 

the walk

I remember the sound of the rain happily kissing the tin roof and crying in rivulets down the windowpane, how it sparkled and clung to the forests and tree lined winter path
The storm came out of nowhere happy in its own existence needing nothing from those to which it came


I fell in the lull of your voice as your words cut
Even in the shadows of evening you were the one I wanted to see, be near, be part of, to love
The air was close we were not as you were extracting yourself from the only tangle I ever wanted to stay wrapped up in


Your chocolate eyes were kind and I found myself slipping under the currents of their charismatic stare
You were the beautiful boy I longed to keep
But you said you no longer cared
I'm sorry you said but my heart didn't hear you
I could not comprehend you meant them
Those words taking you to places I would no longer be part of


I didn't mean to mess up your life you said as if by saying that you would be free and it would not matter 
Then you walked and I slipped my hand in yours
I said I will go wherever you would go
You said no
The rain now snow grew fuller and rounder as you walked into a snow globe of white
And I stayed glued to the past
You never looked back

pause

pause...
while the needed words hang unspoken between us
while the walls rise higher and we can't see past where we stand now
as rivers run in silence down my face
pause...
you don't ask, I don't say
and yet the pain of yesterday will not sleep
pause...
while the scream inside is never relinquished
and all that is left to fight for is getting less
my senses are heightened by the wonder and why of it all
pause...
as plates of despair is piled high in front of unfortunate souls
the struggle to survive, to surmount and yet resist all that threatens inside
pause...
does anyone hear my voice
cause I can't run away anymore and the poems I want to write evaporate
our conversations are edited to avoid being human
lose it all to have what?
hold onto the holiness for how long as rain comes to erase our sky stealing the sun from my skin and soul
as quiet falls in my surrounded room I
pause...
then return to my crossroad

dark flight

was it the bumps, the red lights or the billboards over cast with the bruise of your with held words
left only with your over dramatized actions and silence I can only guess
the heat disappeared and the good girl too
poetry was bleeding while the old soul was pretending it had every hunger satisfied
dreams lay dying, limping in to the defeat of the deteriorating narcissistic night line 
blurred bylines
as the arch of the lyrical move that bound flesh to flesh said this is not enough
night terrors replaced what once named itself love
the perfect place to hide became right there in plain sight
light slanted through city streets reflecting what the soul knew but couldn't say
we say we're the same but we change a little every day
forgiveness makes itself at home  but only after its too late
too broken is the heart that loved in vain it was a given until tranquility was forsaken then rearranged
once you were silver tongued and your words danced and you made stars your warriors to win her over
silence followed conquest  and wings beat against cage bars dismantling the beating heart
when you won't listen dreams disappear like fire flies taking flight in the dark

red

she paints her lips red and sits in the sun by a propped open door
she's afraid of catching cold
so she don't go out anymore
he left her bored and restless
summer young
but he was beautiful, so beautiful
she swore he was the one

he's been gone so long and she don't love her past anymore
the autumn leaves are brown and they crumble
like her sigh as a restlessness too strong to ignore
begins to thrive 
behind her red door

she don't know she's too beautiful to be alone
but this town's so small
they're gonna talk
soon she'll move on
and she'll close another chapter
lock her red door
maybe move to california
or get lost in new york
and the mail man won't stop here anymore
 

midnight song

your eyes flashed black lightning cutting through my deepest deep
your laughter flirted with life alive and warm
you walked like an educated beauty
never embraced the dawn
you embraced the night, held it like a lover as your own
you were happiest being left alone
you didn't share your dreams or ask about mine
you were taking me apart before I could figure me out
turned my inspiration into doubt
I was high on life, my dreams were gonna fly
closed yourself like books you loved to read
closed your eyes, closed meout
you were naturally charismatic even in your living room
everyone wanted to be close to you
you were beautiful but your words were  like swords
so cruel
you buried your secrets only the moon your witness, looked so clever in your red dress
I adored you, believed in your halo
but I was just an unnecessary mess
you were my home
unconditionally my own
melancholia you are still my midnight song
 

emotionally drunk

storms invade and her ink rains tears of glittered passion, paints the page
torn in  bits- obliterated 
                         refrain
her long ago days
taste stale
but she cant resist one more bite
one more night
                        reminiscing
as her layers start to peel
youth takes a glare
and says you're no longer needed here
you've stayed too long
time to go now says her mirror 
                         reflecting
but her kisses remember
the crest of his lips
when words tumbled without resist
and she divides herself
then and how her sand castle crumbled
and she
                        revisits
red rooms and remembered echos
while cracks formed behind family walls
and time crawls
to a time of newspapers read in bed
and sunshine was delicious
and honey was collaborated dreams
tucked between heat of moments
and cotton sheets
unrequited love
when his words made her
emotionally drunk

Vanessa Peterson
May 2014
 
 
 

Falling

sometimes the world was heavy
before i knew that it could be
any other way
falling into the future
the glue of my world faltered
no way to navigate the blue
my heart was young
my head unsure
no one to secure the heal
so no cure
when pieces of my sky fell
and shattered hope
no going back to perfection
my undoing
no one was looking

bones of us

When its all been said and done the last of us has been spoken our song's already been sung
I'm keeping the bones of us
When we can't sleep and dreams turn to rust we're unrealized and we don't trust
All I know boy I'm keeping the bones of us
your letters will fade I'll keep them anyway
I'll sleep and wake up loving you
I'm keeping the bones of us me and you
I'm keeping you boy that became half of me the trembling beautiful agony
I'm keeping the touch, the emersion , the kiss that shook my knees, every fragmented memory
I'm keeping that winter sky when the cold was a blessing and the stars were spangled like crowns above our head
I'm keeping the warmth of faded denim holding me the answer to every dream this girl ever sent up
Yes my love I'm keeping the bones of us
I'm keeping the rain, the song that it was a boy, a girl, an umbrella and blue romantic rain like diamonds in your hair
Your poetry, red floors and painted masquerades fireplaces and piano rain
Oh we were everything
Laughter on midnight air and the magic of unknowing but believing at first sight it was love
Piano rain, a boy, his girl, oh yes
I'm keeping the bones of us

looking for a yes

Victory in fields of green we slipped away unseen
motorcycle run, drone of a blue sky
Young in love kind of high, front porch romance
Kissed me at sundown the sun in your eyes
I held onto you, last year of innocence
We were 17, life didn't make sense
Living in this world, just looking for a yes

Soon they'd force us to follow their rules
We'd have to fit in the mold they laid out for us
We wouldn't get a choice
We'd try to break the monotony of that structured
mold, set free the beautiful lost
We will be a lost cause

They'll write these laws
Our heart won't get a say
Free will has been objected and rejected
So long yesterday
They'll play God, hide their own sin
Big brother's watching us, we can't win

No where to hide or start over again
They'll destroy everything we thought we
could have been
Looking for a yes, but then again

We are the fire, they'll fan the flames
Put us in boxes in lines made of shame
They will hate what they don't 
understand
Throw another stone at the resistance of the preplan

We won't remember being happy
We'll wear black, turn our back
on doors chose for us
Can't make us forget who
and how to love
Still we'll be looking for a yes

flawed

I painted you on my wall
you were beautiful and perfect
I was flawed
I blurred the fantasy, reality disappeared
our lines were crossed
couldn't get you out of my mind
so I kept a little of you here
but all your stars and light
couldn't rid me of my fear

I dream you in colors you will
never see
sometimes things are worse when they're
not what you want them to be
I was seeing blind, I just couldn't see

I've been thinking about
when I had you I couldn't see you
I could never tell you
you were wrong
cause you believed in someone
I couldn't be at all

you were stars and haloed light
but I was flawed
we were never gonna fly
we crawled
I destroyed all we would ever be
never saw the light that died
in the fall
I was only being me
I was flawed