bankrupt

we were just a drive in March rain before spring arrived on blue ridge parkway where beauty is still God's creation and you get a glimpse of perfection in perfect form. a little piece of heaven rubs off on you and you're not the same afterward cause you will compare everywhere to here.
fog covered the night and obliterated what was left of the mess of my mind. the rest of the noisy world slipped away and this wet , white blanket was a magical cosmos until it froze and became black ice.  too slippery...turn back now
our wonderful world of mystery became dangerous and your car slipped in circles and we knew we had to walk out of that wonder on our own. 
first we were lovers,  then we became celibate lovers and best friends at the same time. you'd think i'd get a clue and cut you loose but no , not at that time. this night was a metaphor  for our future and i was too young to know, caught up in dreams that must be completed my way.  circumstances be damned i was going to prove i could do this love, we were going to do this love. 
looking back now it wasn't love, it was simply a deep friendship. what could have been had already slipped away. i didn't matter to you and you guiltily agreed without words and guilt for past sins held hostage my freedom.
you held the un- relinquished key. i was going to pay with weighted heart, soul, and regret as deep as the marrow in my bones.
there would be no other way.  i was snowblind and there wasn't any snow.  dead end ahead, but i didn't know.
as icicles formed in my long hair,  i was where i wanted to be.but  love had already vacated,  in its place tolerance and suffocation had already moved in there . my youth had a mind of its own and i was unaware . a life without borders seems to have no direction and spills dangerously into everywhere. when i woke up it was to the penance of my own self created nightmare. 
going nowhere,  growing older.
wrong turns, parkway drives at midnight and i believed i was alive but i was already dying inside . but i couldn't admit it. i would choke on my pride. the most important thing my life was taken on that ride. no not physically , but emotionally, spiritually. i signed my soul away on that night just to prove i was right.
i was so right at being wrong.
the icicles melted but not the consequence of that rainy night drive.
i'm still waiting on someone to tell me i've arrived home,  that i was dreaming , i'm not alone.
but i've never arrived home or at being complete
getting lost in my imagination i never became who i envisioned to be .
mistake of a lifetime extracting too much
now emotionally bankrupt.