tomorrow

I will love you a little less
tomorrow
when it isn't raining
when my hands aren't shaking
and the shape of our shadows
are ready to part
beneath November stars
one more day living
the perfect lie
one more day to dismantle
the pretense
one more day
then pack forever away
the silly morning quarrels
and breakfast coffee
we both knew
summer could never stay
as the hinges sadly moan
on the front porch swing
beneath the freshly polished sky
I say, "I'll love you a little less tomorrow"

grown ups

"swallow this"
you say
"God is a pill ?"
I ask


grown ups wear lipstick
play with matches
spy on iphones
loaf in small towns
looking for the next cinderella

no one wants to be her

grown ups hide in planetariums
can't handle the breaking
pieces that lie broken
because they were too busy
making something more than the nothing
it was


grown ups can freeze conversations
debilitate lovers with emotional
manipulations
words become scythes
men are Gods'
they punish and destroy
longing to kiss the lips of the girl
they turned to ghost


they talk love
take us apart
the ticking diary that we are
we are cast in the circumstance
of a storyline
a script we don't dare unfollow


love always looks better on paper


take a seat
get in line
there's many that want your turn
revenge is an apostrophe
grown ups take their time saying hello
bullets become strawberry shots
made of jello


we're grown ups
we will kill the orchids
so excuse our fabrication of a painters sky
we'll make it disappear
with turpentine

we won't apologize

for the dreamers

the rivers know us
the dirt clings to flesh
becoming flesh again
Autumns and afternoons
Carolina blue skies
where light meets
the damned
our sacred conversations 
grow by lamplight
and moths overhear our quest
and thirst for words
like snowfall in an hourglass
organization - too much of this
will destroy us
and the music that inspires
the dancing of lovers, well that
only death obliterates

city chill

fresh from the train
in a city that serves burgers
with cocaine on the side
no it won't make you less
but it may change directions
your emotions or the way
you leave this place


what are people afraid of 
you're thinking
youth
or more of growing older


no fear for you
hitching rides from pretty girls
in the middle of December
no fear of getting drunk in the sober crowd
or sober in the drunk crowd


yet you're defiled in airports 
in your dirty jeans
going back home to homes that don't change
and boys that come home changed


trust has became filtered
phone full of numbers that don't belong to
friends anymore
memories are a flash of videos
you used to live in
clover isn't crimson anymore
the chill here just feels normal


are you to become residue
poetry leaping from a sky of stardust
that will be wiped off palms
of those that don't believe in anything
you are 



 

go back

wear the shirt your brother wore
absorb his memories
climb his mountain
steal his truck
eat his flowers
read his letters
again


dream of your mother
you were born her heartache
poke holes in your darkness
fill your sadness up with stars

take flowers to your father
tell him how his wildness
seeped into your soul
tell him he's forgiven
that you've learned to weather life
without him
though he still vibrates in your heart
you just can't let him go

take a walk down the road
that knew you in childhood
smell the scent of Autumn 
on an old loves coat 
open doors that will never 
fully close

one more time
go back
go forward
go home 

Re-Imagine Me (thoughts of a bullied teen)

an aesthetic life wasn't meant to be mine
planted, they say I will never fly
that my dreams will never see the light
loneliness is my best friend
I don't mind being abandoned by those 
whose blood is twin to my own
I don't mind being left alone
It's ok you forgot me, I forget me too
I embrace being ostracized, I am the odd one after all
so unlike you
It's ok you made fun of me
I didn't matter to anyone anyway
I was transparent, you had no choice
without color I disappeared in life's landscape
It's ok you wanted me out of sight
I am just a plain wallflower
It's alright you never loved me
your actions spoke for you
you said tomorrow doesn't matter
lived only for today
why tell that to someone you left
empty handed, displaced
robbed of innocence, you never knew
drained of opinions, denied the truth
no voice, no power, a child of invisibility
piece by piece you ignored, constantly stole from 
and changed all I would ever be
wish I could re-imagine me

on the outside of the inside
not good enough to be good enough
there's comfort in becoming used to being unloved
I have no expectations
I ask for nothing
I love going nowhere, living in hell, loving it
you expected no thing of me
I don't expect you to accept me
breathing isn't life
coloring in black between invisible lines
I disappear sporadically to your joy
I should never have been entrusted with breath
I could not handle the responsibility
I do not know how to correctly love
so I opt for feeling nothing , my pain is useless
tears you say are weakness
here I am, you spoke it over me
I am the no one you always said I'd be
becoming comfortable in my own un-comfortability
Forever lost, a daughter, a sister, once a friend
buried in pain
wish I could re- imagine me 



This poem is for those who have been mistreated in life by situations and people you had no control over. Re- imagine 
everything.


 

Teal

side streets disappear like snow
and skinny boys hold court
with laughter,  smiling at girls
they don't know
leaning in,  leaning back
like still shots in a frame
little drips of life
teal,  white and black
long hair on him and friends
it makes him more angelic
and kind of fragile


at home on the night train
a poet writing letters
that read like a soap opera
about how he sometimes
wants things that don't want him
and loved ones that don't know yet
what love is


he's slipping like watercolors
in someones perfect painting
always fading into a cloud
of a surreal blue sky
leaving you
looking for a little more
of something that you never
really see


but he's guilty of making his girl cry
because he had a good summer
without her


and he won't go home again
or stand in the rain with a brother
the nights are different now
the air warmer
his friends have adopted him
and when he smiles its like
summer light and teal
but he has a plan
a dream to catch
and words that wait to heal


This is a poem that was featured on The Back Road cafe that belongs to a twitter friend of mine @DaleRominger 
He is looking to feature some poets and their poetry on his blog so if you might be interested contact him by dm on twitter, he's really a nice person and I appreciate him very much.

Also I've been a bit absent on here because of a poetry book I am composing, so sorry about that. If you think Teal would be a good title for my book please let me know in a comment.

Thanks to all who drop by and read and I am always looking for creative blogs to follow that actually follow back. I appreciate all my blog followers and readers and send much love to those who have supported me, you know who you are :)

collage

rain on the door hinges remind me
of the silver creeping like a rogue
in your hair
the green, gold flecks in their watchful eyes
the rough of your hands 
the songs that we sang
the sunsets that lingered
the dawns that arrived too early
but at least they left you by my side 
your tears
loved under sheets
crowded rooms,  a happy but lonely life 
hungry people - all the empty hours
we couldn't ignore or give away
paper dreams damp from rainy coasts
songs, poems, light and dark
screened in porches that we never wanted
to leave
pictures of love stolen while we're asleep
pennies of others that moved on long ago
line breaks and soul breaths
left us staring at all the pretty leaves
that blew in from the street
lets allow them to decorate our hall
for awhile

 

pretense of a winter's day

we feed our demons fears and secrets
at elegant tables we eat alone
there's beauty in the way
the shadow's dance
in the firelight glow

is it time to get away ?
do we walk, run or stay ?

winter isn't kind to us when
all we want is the sky
we've gotten dirty in all the
why
are we strong enough for this love
cause we are perfect for these scars

we can't burn this pretty blue snow
it's winter in eden
let's just put on some more clothes

your heart has forsaken the ocean
and the forest
will never come to shore
in the pretense of a winter's day
we are each others
only place to go

it's time

It's time to change the pretense and let you see the color of my eyes without fear
my hands without the shake and my face without the sad, broken spin of rage
time to empty the suitcase full of letters and let their poisoned words burn
time to dance without reason to music I love while I can, while I'm still here
time to change the lights that have been blinding me for too long
time to discard the lies that created yesterday's drama covering decades of pain in layers of beige
time to come home, come clean with myself,  become comfortable in my skin that houses me and holds me together 
time to let my heart beat out loud from messy honesty and know that everything may or may not work out as planned
time to walk away from those who make me feel weak and get up off this chair 
give the blank space I stare at wordlessly a break
time to take the fake glittered stars from the pages of my paper dreams and watch the real ones do their thing
the sunshine has been trapped too long and I have worshipped darkness because it's safer
time to take down the guard rails that protect my heart and hold my mouth shut
time to take fear out of the bag and let her scream
after all what more can be broken
time to sleep the tired away, forge a new path
time to walk away from yesterday 

open

collected paper maps
circled streets
now they're soaking wet
tunnels of messages
forgo the pigeon carrier
and the old rules
a blushing boy and girl
a photograph, a souvenir 

your fingers fluid warmth
veins without instructions
existing for touching
my hair wet ropes 
on your shoulder
and just a touch of scent
peppermint on your collar
our love is living
and we are dancing
with open doors

slip away

you sip your coffee in a room full of alone- ness
remembering the beds of all your old lovers
how you buried the picture of the only
brown eyed man you would ever love
years like highways pass and he loves every girl
more than he ever loved you
yet you are his midnight ghost before he sleeps
and the dreamed of face when he wakes
was it when you sat by the river and the waterfall was singing
and the sun bleached the moment into your mind, your skin and the library of your soul 
was that when love slipped away into the currents or was that too beautiful a day for someone to slip away

flight

you are a butterfly's light
but no less
you are color and wonder
of a transparent dream
you are trees and sky
and the blue in between
you are restless water
a moving garden
clouds and majestic snow
shadows and moonlight 
on fields of glory
grace of a moment
the soul of a song
a musical story
summer's light
and trees of wisdom
a butterfly's flight
music and dawn
streams of innocence
shadow of strength
winter sleeping alive
with fields of freedom 
sleeping inside



I wrote this little poem a couple of years ago while listening to the beautiful piano music of Richard Maddock, he's awesome anyway I think so. Look him up and if you're on twitter you can find him at @BalletMuzik

time to move on

tomorrow,
it might rain or the sun may shine
you may want to sleep through the day
but get up anyway
someone may choose to walk out of your life
someone totally amazing may choose to walk into your life
wear that sweater if you must, but take it off when the chill has passed
take your earphones out and listen to birdsong
spend some time outdoors if you can or by a window if you can't
call your oldest best friend in this world who doesn't fill your head with agreement of how bad things are for you right now and spend hours commiserating how you have the right to feel the way you do
the one instead that lifts you up and laughs with remembrances of happy instances
if you have one or more, feed your pets
now look past the desolation that has moved into your eyes and see the girl that's been waiting for you to set her free
some things and some people won't fit anymore
let them go lovingly 
it's time to move on

rain for water

I wanted to kiss you goodnight
but you had been kissing whiskey
I wanted to belong to you
but it seems you belonged
to moonlight and loneliness

my small bed was cold
and I couldn't compete
with your captivating addiction
and you were busy seeing things
that weren't

I breathed in snowdrops
lost in my innocence
and built castles in the air
until my fingers were numb

my heart became vagrant 
nothing could fill it up
and you gave me rain for water
and the beat of a summer thunderstorm
for music

I was wrapped in your scented memory
and nothing can compare to that
sadness collected in your hazel eyes
like shards
and I fed from that pain
it still stings

you left us
and the windows grew dirty
the doors became broken
and just like us
love doesn't live there anymore

now just like the ash
that settled like a soft secret blanket
of betrayal from our home years ago
we have became poems
written from their burial in my bones
I miss you
and earth no longer feels home

blue line

a star fell when you shut the door of your old car
you were blue, so blue baby
that's what you said you were

left me with candy
and melancholy for a name
left me with nothing
but memory and moonlight
and a love un-ordained 

night melodies own me now
my prayers wrapped in barbed wire
so I'll sell your old truck
and your sawmill
but it won't be enough

no more loving
or side mouth kissing
no more on the road fudge eating
no more loving you, love
we simply ran out of time

but I'll read how you loved me
lover
in every blue line 

May 25 2016  @vanesadawn

this is for all those who keep the hand written notes from all those that once loved them & all those beautiful goodbyes

late

butterflies dance, a summer ambience
but are broken pianos still pianos ?

thoughts have lives that zig-zag
like airplanes on any given day

we sweat for dreams
walking past flower 
gardens
our skin turning leather
as childhood runs behind us

getting directions crossed
as conversations within
ourselves
slip, shuffle
becoming a crooked kind
of sustenance 
leaves us fevered for water

the ocean lies before us
the sky wants to dance
with kites
but is strangling on 
chemtrails 

and we're surprised by light
that arrives too early
but maybe we're just late

 
 

 

like the sky

I breathed you in deep
could feel you cling 
inside me
but like a drug that 
seduces
I only wanted more
I can't call it anything
but there's rivers in
your eyes
and they fill up my veins
all those stars watching me
watch you from my window
as you build paper walls
and silent streets
for all your dreams
that never sleep
you're beautiful like the sky
and
I don't think words can reach 

 

Dirty Gossamer

the color of wonder was a wayward snowflake 
escaping through a crude windowpane
whimsical magic in a child's hands

heaven was tattooed on your thoughts
laced with lavender and a belt of moonshine

you would see your children at dawn 
after your joy ride through cold dark
and stars

winter would be a lion
but you still had time
it was autumn yet

your love that used to ride the train
to meet you would retreat into a moonless
world and the sun would become a ghost
you would be missed more than she loved
her children

your love would starve
and keep company with midnight
intoxicated with the memory 
of the year you first met
without your love to satisfy her
lust or loneliness
hopelessness would settle into her
and her cotton dresses were a manuscript
of the way you once broke through to the
sweetness underneath

weeping to the sound of night rain
on her roof
her employment is to keep your memory
alive
she'll forget the color of the sky
rock herself to sleep 
for you won't be there
she'll be sleepless in a red kingdom
and mourn with your old whiskey bottle
because it too craves your lips 

copyright May 2016   Vanessa Peterson

perfect rhythm

I'm waiting for a pill to work
to ease my mind and soothe my nerves
but I think it was made with caffeine 
I'm climbing crimson walls
when all I want to do is sleep

I've been walking in the rain
as if that would wash my sin away
everyone is going to a sunny somewhere
I'm where I've always been

I'm not sure I trust myself
when I talk I say too much
and I've lost count of names in stone
of those who've gone
but still rent rooms inside my love

And sad songs are the best songs
I've lived in some of them
but all my dreams have moved away
and I wish I could but I can't
stop this slow decay
of spending too much time staring at the rain

I just want to feel another's heartbeat
in perfect rhythm with my own
a seat for two on a midnight train
with speed that calms the fragile hearts
that always feel alone

daily monster

the night is raining

pain

and there's a shadow near my bed

leaning in too close to my face

trying to read my fear and 

get inside my head

my veins are hot and I am

overheating

my heart is tired of being caged

repressed

the burden has became a monster

in newsprint

and they're asking me

to believe in it

so

I am looking for a safe hiding place

for the piece of my soul that they think

is theirs for stealing

I refuse to be turned into a transparent

voiceless  ghost racing with the present

to find the past was a pretty printed

hook line that caught me in my eye

and made me doubt that

a hummingbird can sing

and a honeybee can fly

lonely boy

dear lonely boy
you tend  to invite hurt in
do your hands ever get lonely
from blending rebellion with diversity
you are always on edge 
knowing where you will never fit in

you are breath
you are poetry I indulge on the page
my hands get drunk
my mind swims in remembered
kisses

a match of blue, white flare
ache of a heartbeat on fire
I am busy
too many rooms you're not in
I'm trying to draw from memory
the homemade tattoos
you used to ink on your skin

you are too comfortable being alone
a walking, talking, dreaming boy
a to be written romantic lyric
with a
thirsty dream to be acknowledged
composing secrets into songs
writing down the sky you say
because freedom is only as close
as your fingers can reach
and you want to touch everything

your sadness trapped in the flutter
of a dragonfly's wing
silence taught you how to breathe
you know that all the cold winters 
and runaway graffitti will
never ruin the streets that belong
to your feet

dear lonely boy do you miss 
the way we used to arrange  
how our shadows lingered
into a story only two on earth
ever knew
can we keep that our secret ? 

double heartbeats

I saw beautiful visions with you
roads bathed in moonlight
as my white nervous hands ached
to roam in your hair
I saw windows that stared back
and scared me how intense you
were looking at me
the sidewalk felt strange beneath
my feet
words turned to sawdust
but my heart was electrically
alive
I wanted to tell the world to
turn the lights off
but I didn't dare disturb the
oneness of two lost in a starlit
world
I stood there breathing with you
living with you in
double heartbeats 

alive with love

I don't want to do time with you or anyone...
I want to do love

I want tangled hair
and kisses that leave
my lips itching for more

my flesh is human 
and woman

I want a photographic memory
so I will never forget
or complicate
the living, loving hour
of every sacred moment
imprinted in our cells
how we are buried 
in one another
alive with love

word

I've been calling out your name
but it seems I say it wrong
and you can't hear me
I've been burning candles in the rain
it's impossible to see

been looking for a place
to hide this lonely pain
they say we are nobody
say we are no thing

I want to deserve what is mine
I want to live in every pretty
word you say
I want you to know
I've wrote a song inside my soul
only you can sing

been writing letters to the universe
forgetting how high
I'll come crashing down
I've bruised my lips from reality
my hands are dirty from this hurt
and I keep calling out your name
but you never hear a word

March 23 2016

Bobby's Blue

the night is blue and jealous, reading your thoughts
as you feed the hungry fire pit and stain the sky with ash
the stars long to fall someplace where they will never disappear
but you
have been busy carving our names like someone will read and know who we were 
but lightning will surely burn this cave of a tree with purple  flash of passion
you want to sleep in a new town, in a new bed and wash away your sadness that's left everything in a pall of gray
you want to know what it feels like to be loved without angry selfish hands 
you'd like to see more than just a reflection in a glass that reflects what it thinks you want to see
and you'd like to drink because you're happy
not lonely  from spending too many nights in moonlight
losing the day,  afraid of sunlight
you don't want to close your eyes you say because the world is a book and somewhere you are on a page
with directions how to be the boy you are with sunsets 
in your eyes and skyscrapers at your back
and a willingness to never be forgotten 

empty puddles

the day is indigo
and rain has found
its home on my skin
you are everything
I am missing
I long for new
continuity
that recognizes me
no umbrella
just a rocking chair
I watch as horses
clear the meadow
no reason for vigilance
alone with my thoughts
and all these empty puddles
dangerous silence
yet
I've changed too much
to let you in
but inside
floor boards ache with age
they disagree with me

eclipse

the black and white of
eclipse
the movies we picture
ourselves in
the empty rooms
echo
and unfold
the gift of silence
turning gold
pieces of daylight
and boredom bared
we are something
more than counted
breath
we must be of use
not just dreams without
root
hungry souls
silent phones
that won't convey
what written words
can say

morning journal

oh, my love
your sweater on the wall hook
is a ghost in the early morning hours
I wanted to wear it
but I left it there like a monument
I wanted to ask you to stay
but my mind was sleepy
my skin is cold without yours
my fear intact because in morning
light its a little harder to see
the faultlines
all I feel for you is still safely
inside of me
for now
the fireplace is still warm
our wine glass half full
interrupted by a ripe midnight
moment where our breathing
was perfect songs
the night 
was ransomed too soon
as rain washed away 
your footsteps at dawn

ocean

why did you have to run so far away from me
for so long
why couldn't you just take the time
to call home
I gave you space
I didn't think you'd forget so
easily
and I still dream of walking
by the ocean
salt on our skin
you next to me
time simply ran out
on you
on me 
on us
you haunt my dreams
you steal my breath
you wasted us my love

how can that sky
be split in two
still fall on me
but not on you
in my favorite picture
there you are by the ocean
I wish that it could carry me
to you
that option is no longer open
left with double questions
too much left unspoken
in the lonely night cell
of tainted light
I wonder
why did you have to go
so far away from me

interlude

did all our romance take a leave
or just fall through 
all the cracks in the floor
and what happened to light
did Autumn pull it away
as winter interrupted
declaring her darkness
needed bodies to hold
did love break or just die
because if it did
i need to know
i shouldn't look
for a pulse here anymore

sleepwalkers

we danced for the moon
the bed didn't know
we were naked

we won't tell anyone
our visions
or versions of sadness
they would be 
dramatic and sound 
too sad
and that blue violin's
already broken

forget about the keys
we left in the windows
and metal beds that fell
because no one loved
in them

too busy at the word machine
the piano was calling
saying that California 
has eyes of loneliness

but we are not lost
just sleepwalkers
in a daydream of a 
daydreamer

seems
nothing can wake us

bartender blues

poetry always in his pocket
getting washed in denim
turning blue
love, the language his pen
relates to
bares his soul writing about
loneliness at bars and pretty
girls that can't love
emotional blackmail and bitter
scars
sits in his underwear 
on his backporch smoking
half medicated cigarettes
staining his hands
writing his bartender blues
finding clarity, sanity
beneath shimmering stardust
can't sleep, heart's too full
of stories alive with passion
and pain
with his front row seat to
a million walk away's 
I'm still looking for a flicker
a small light in his eyes
to know if he can see me

unlovables

all the things we claim that will never be ours
places we go leaving more of us than we find
walking through the world with broken hearts
bruised souls
declaring  we're fine
we start to believe that too
happiness feels strange
sleep a waste
drama dictates from blue screens
and drowns the reason we are decaying
beneath the layers of fake pretty color

we broke the timeline
we didn't follow the rules
we were too fast
too unloved
too forgotten to matter
just didn't fit in with
identical predictable mannequins 
that move with wooden hearts
no one crushed us with love
we were opaque 
no one touched us 
we are unlovables

chasers

2 pm in your kitchen looks like a polaroid
you with your ripped t- shirt 
and irish coffee in hand

your prescription for killing time
is reading poetic conversations
from an unknown teenage poet's hands
beneath your peeling wallpaper

evening adjourns and we'll crash 
on your vintage velvet couch
and steep our conversations in our 
agreed upon drink, whiskey
we'll chase the day into darkness
and sip until the moon is a slice 
of orange drowsy in our eyes