The Dreaming Girl

slices of  my life written in red, purple, multicolored ink
my thought life, inked dreams mingled with reality and impossibilities 
the metal cuts and glides bound perfectly, tidy
the broken, bleeding passion blurred by the leaking face
its mine, all mine
pages of hope of desperation, the loss, the prayers, the road in paper carrying my load
the whisper of my pen captures the ache in my soul
the winter wail, the soiled veil but parchment lies
destructive eyes
all the gone, the words that string together
describe but never arrive
home
postage overdue 
deprived in courageous well thought out lines
of everything
these lines can't hold you and neither can I 
indestructible , still here
I am the dreaming girl
within, breathing living and dreaming in
the pages of me
and when I think I can't I realize I can

For all the girls with dreams all those journals we fill up that hold us in ways we never tell another soul. From 10 to 101 keep those dreams alive and sometimes they'll keep us breathing.

pretty dresses

spending wages on illegal highs but the pain comes back, we never fly
but wear pretty dresses
one more bottle
living our lies
drunk with impossibility
pick pockets of dark nights for sleep
20 steps from the heaven we want to reach

waste time comparing ourselves
don't look in that mirror while passing
judgement
on someone else
false laughter, plastic faces, hollow tears
can't wake up but we're not asleep either
pretty dresses in rainy weather
pretty dresses make us feel better

lovely pink rooms for vicious gossip
who's not good enough
who never got it
forget factor of circumstance, manufactured
romance
high class , low self esteem
forget passion or diversity 
go change your holey jeans you'll fit perfect in these pretty dresses 
after all who needs self respect 
with all our pretty messes

no thank you my holey jeans feel perfect for me

June 22 2014


 

tough skin

you will be young but at the same time you may not realize the concept of years
you will get hot, tired and hungry and will cry unshed tears
embracing the night at last you can close your eyes
you will believe in something no one else can conceive 
they will try to shut you up, shut you down but you'll keep that small piece of heaven for yourself
you must keep the thing you believe
you will get left behind, lonely from loss, losing those that keep you here and you'll find it hard letting others in
this is how you build a tough skin
you'll lose the ones that loved you into being, see flights of angels and shooting stars and you'll know fear that bleeds
you'll begin again many times , accept hand me downs and eat leftovers gratefully
get abandoned by family and lovers and yet still find that spark of life that motivates you to breathe five more minutes, you won't quit cause you'll find your strength in a quietness no one can take away and you'll scream in rooms with only trees outside your witness
you'll get betrayed by love and his kiss
meanwhile...
you'll borrow names, exchange rings, hell you'll change everything and in your darkest moments you'll just breathe, take it all in
this is how you build a tough skin...

Dear old lover

Dear old lover
I don't remember your kiss anymore and that would be my first lie
I don't look for car lights on my wall or listen for your footfall
I don't wear your old t-shirt or walk alone where we used to walk for hours
I don't listen to the music you loved
I don't think of you, I don't cry
Oh but these too are lies
I don't keep hidden pictures of you and I didn't memorize the skies I saw in your eyes
I don't remember the draw of your laughter or the way I knew you had entered a crowded room
I don't remember the voice I loved that cradled my name, no one ever says it that way
I don't remember the handhold , the strength or perfection of your hand in mine
I don't remember listening to the radio until dawn had bathed the sky in transparent pink and the fireplace blaze had died
I don't remember I never had felt so alive
I don't remember feeling young with you, careless, reckless, risking ever loving thing
I don't remember walking and loving in the rain or the motorcycle rides in winter snow
I don't remember holding you like life
I don't remember nights perfumed by southern winds
I don't remember you were the only place I ever wanted to be
I don't remember sunshine in our eyes we could see perfectly
I don't remember I never loved that way again
and the last lie
I don't remember you gave up on me
 

the walk

I remember the sound of the rain happily kissing the tin roof and crying in rivulets down the windowpane, how it sparkled and clung to the forests and tree lined winter path
The storm came out of nowhere happy in its own existence needing nothing from those to which it came


I fell in the lull of your voice as your words cut
Even in the shadows of evening you were the one I wanted to see, be near, be part of, to love
The air was close we were not as you were extracting yourself from the only tangle I ever wanted to stay wrapped up in


Your chocolate eyes were kind and I found myself slipping under the currents of their charismatic stare
You were the beautiful boy I longed to keep
But you said you no longer cared
I'm sorry you said but my heart didn't hear you
I could not comprehend you meant them
Those words taking you to places I would no longer be part of


I didn't mean to mess up your life you said as if by saying that you would be free and it would not matter 
Then you walked and I slipped my hand in yours
I said I will go wherever you would go
You said no
The rain now snow grew fuller and rounder as you walked into a snow globe of white
And I stayed glued to the past
You never looked back