Saturday, November 23, 2013

puddles of pain

everything you are is all i need
when everyone walked you stood by me
all but forsaken, lost in shame
broken, face down in puddles of pain
my memories cloud a sunny day
silence steals words i never say
you love all i am, forgive all i'm not
strength of my battle, cry of my fall
you don't love just parts of me
you love the all
you call me beautiful
say that's what you see
when the dark that lies inside
buries layers of me
forget my mistakes and my stubborn pride
when puddles of pain threaten inside
you're everything love made you be
unconditional to tempermental, dramatic me
overlooking scars of my insecurity
stood by me through my sad insanity
when darkness falls and lights all fade
nothing i do makes you ashamed
you put me together one more time
when puddles of pain threaten inside

Wrote this about a special friendship I had as a teenager, he was there for me when I wouldn't let anyones else in. We drifted apart but he knew me at one time better and deeper than anyone, still means so much to know someone stood by me because they chose to, they didn't have to. 

Illuminate

dark night
throbbing through blue veins
unknown chemicals, crush of pain
words of warfare hold me in place
secrets lie sleeping
beneath sovereign grace

surrounding ruin
neglected need
my abandoned hope exasperates me
don't touch now my silence cries
dark defeat rains from blue eyes

hungered life 
of shadow and light
love is music out loud
only your love will figure me out

I struggle with faith
survive storms of hate
let light illuminate all I can't say
and lift me up
from this unholy place

I still believe there's more than we see
Illuminate me, illuminate me
from this hungered life of
shadow and light
love is music out loud
so let your love figure me out


So many dark nights, of change and happenstance I could not see my way around and sometimes didn't want to, music was the heal that calmed the rage that wanted to win. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

soldier blue

if I could walk back out on that battlefield
with you
would I see what made you bruised,broken
soldier blue
you came home sad and oh so proud
the walls went up, the silence came down
displaced, forgotten that honor knew your name
at home no longer in this world
you would never be the same
river restless,searching, on the move
moonlight and midnight music consoled you
I loved you, too young to tell you
soldier blue...
guarded heart of a patriot
no stranger to that foreign soil
heavy, heavy load of an imperfect, warring world
forgiveness wouldn't make you whole
left your youth on that battlefield
sacrifice haunted your hazel eyes
while stories of glory and ugly unholy
were still living inside
but you followed through
soul bruised, dirty and lonely
soldier blue

Wrote this while thinking about my father who was a World War Two veteran. I did not have my father with me for long. I was not quite seven when he was taken due to a car accident. I know the effects of a young man being in a war far from home missing family and friends coupled with all the drama of a battlefield lasts for a lifetime. I was young but I saw the brooding, the restlessness, the sad ,the aching melancholy my father dealt with.And it brought to light the dark within him and challenged us as a family.Those who serve in military give and lose more than we know, more than they say.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

hands

hand in my mouth
wind on my face
cold and misplaced
I'm oblivious to grace

crude poverty 
yeah you know me
won't you let go of me
can't  fly , can't see
that no one can hear me

hands in my pockets
no hands that touch me
hands that don't love me


stronger than i need to be
there's beauty for ashes
first you have to get dirty

knees on the floor
another family war
don't know why too strong to cry
sad, sad season will you ever pass
I'm tired of mysteries
and stories of glass

hands in my mouth
words I'll never say
truth she can be harsh
let them lie where they lay

butterfly in winter, out of place
hand in my mouth, wind on my face

Sometimes what we seek is there ,we just overlook it.
There are times silence saves us from saying too much.
And sometimes where we are is where we need to be, even if it isn't lovely
The poverty I speak of is being denied what is rightfully ours, being denied a voice
in our life, dealing with that, gracefully as possible.


To anyone reading any of my creative efforts on here
THANK YOU!!!

Monday, November 4, 2013

sheltered

been so safe 
I haven't lived at all
I know you mean well
but could you sometimes
let me fall

you wipe my tears
before I cry
just once could I feel my
pain
just a little
can i die

you made a haven for me
but its all just too easy
cause there's something inside
struggling to survive
my dreams of freedom
dying to fly

something's broken, you can't fix it
its beauty has escaped
I don't want to become the beast
I fight
want to be free to walk in the light
don't want to be your forever
don't want to be this sheltered


Love that smothers is never a positive thing. Somethimes our painful whatever must be felt and dealt with personally.No one can do it for us, our pain is ours to feel and grow from,can't hand off to someone else or ignore it.Just part of our story,not all of it.Live bold, strong, in the raw black and white.A beautiful life emerges when we allow the color to emerge from what had to be.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

half a breath

summer still feels like yesterday
love sleeps deep
is that what I hear you say?
they say I am gone
but you know the kindest part
of me has stayed
don't jump-don't close your eyes
one day this pain will fade
but I took part of you with me
it will never turn to grey


summer breath, one half a breath
from you
grieve no longer for 
the thing you can't undo
it's a long way to anywhere when 
you feel alone
but you're running so far, so fast
you can't see the one thing
that's meant to last
slow down
listen to your summer song


I still remember you
just want you to know
your wishes hold the stars
up in the sky
still I dream the meadows
we used to roam
a love this deep will never let
you fall
will never let you go

This was written August 8 2013 in my front yard .After cleaning my basement I walked outside and sat down, these were the words that fell from my pen.I believe they were sent from my younger brother Patrick whom I lost May 20 1999.One of the hardest losses I've faced was losing him. 

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